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It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared..

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’

‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’

‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’

‘Absolutely, ‘ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.’

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.”

The second hunter says” I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says “There’s this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and
we’ll throw it in and see”.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the
hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

“Say there”, says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere,
did you?”

The first hunter says,” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!”

The old farmer said “Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to an old transmission!”

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me. 4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people.
5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies From Coca-Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people. 6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail … NEVER — EVER!!
7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people! 8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35-years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET WELL CARDS.
9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send. 10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!
11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations. 12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!
Now, repeat the above to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out.

This could only happen with a little Italian kid…
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’

‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation’

Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’

‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’

‘ Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’

‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’

‘Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that.
But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn.

2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most men think.

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.
2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.
3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.
4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.
5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.
6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
9. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
10. Lincoln was ho! nest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

Definition:
Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants.