Archive for April, 2006

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”

I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day…We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake … Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

Continue reading ‘Why I Fired My Secretary’

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says,”There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely……

“A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?”
Continue reading ‘Black Testicles’

Horse for sale…

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks “How will I recognize him?”

“That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment.”

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. “A female horth?” So he shows him a prized filly. “Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?” So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. “Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?” So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears. “Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?” The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth. “Nith mouf, can I see her twat” Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

“Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?”
Continue reading ‘Horse for sale…’

Lie About Your Age

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replies. “What, did you tell her you were 60?”

Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
Continue reading ‘Lie About Your Age’

Why not to give 100%

Ever wonder about people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here is a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%.

K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, Attitude will get you there, and Bullshit will take you over the top. But look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G

1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%.

So the next time someone asks you to give more than 100%, You now know what is required of you.
Continue reading ‘Why not to give 100%’

Clean Joke

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.”
Continue reading ‘Clean Joke’

A Goldfish Funeral

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your fucking cat.”
Continue reading ‘A Goldfish Funeral’

Good Manners

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one -

“Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” she asked.

“Just a minute, I have to go piss,” was his answer.

The teacher replied “That would be extremely rude and impolite!”
“What about you John, how would you say it?”

“I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back,” said John.

The teacher responded, “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table.”

“And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?”

“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment,
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after supper.”

The teacher fainted..
Continue reading ‘Good Manners’

The Rat Statue

A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it. He took it to the counter. “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story,” the owner said.

The tourist gave the shop owner twelve dollars. “I’ll take the rat. You can keep the story.”

As he walked down the street carrying the rat, he soon noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him. This was disconcerting, so he began walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay, but looking back he saw that the rats now numbered in the thousands, were squealing ever louder, and coming toward him faster and faster. Now scared, he broke into a run, then a full Olympic sprint to the edge of the Bay where he threw the bronze rat as far out as he could muster.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and they all drowned

The man walked back to the curio shop. “Aha!” said the owner. “You have come back for the story.”

“No,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat”

The Difference in Prayer

Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to “How big is my behind?”
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

*************************************************

Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Amen
Continue reading ‘The Difference in Prayer’