Archive for May, 2008

Saying the Right Thing

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on May 31, 2008
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Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?” His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?” His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!”

A self-induced hangover - $100.00

Broken furniture - $200.00

Breakfast - $10.00

Saying the right thing at the right time - PRICELESS!

The Perfect Gift

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on May 30, 2008
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A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea, why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. she’ll probably be thrilled.”

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” said the fellow.

“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.

“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling ‘I’ll be back in an hour!”

Oral Sex Coma Treatment

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on May 29, 2008
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A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.  They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.”

The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined; no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. “What happened?” they cried.  The husband said, “I guess she choked.”

Those Who Have Sons & Those Who Are Happy They Don’t

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on May 19, 2008
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How Many Animals Can You Fit Into A Pair Of Pantyhose?

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on May 16, 2008
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Now before you just get all lazy do a little bit of thinking ….

 

 

OK Here we go….

 

 

10 Little Piggies

piggypiggypiggypiggypiggypiggypiggypiggypiggypiggy

 

 

 

 

 

Two Calves

calves calves

 

 

 

One Ass

ass

 

 

An Unknown number of Hares

hareharehareharehare    

 

 

 

 

And of course one Kitty

kitty

Two Different Versions! Two Different Morals!

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on May 12, 2008
in Political Jokes
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OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.  The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

——————————————-

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands  to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.  How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green.’

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, ‘We shall overcome.’ Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.  The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008

Another Round Bartendar

Published
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on May 11, 2008
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Another Round Bartendar

Test For Mental Patients

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on May 10, 2008
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It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little test should get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub.”

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon.”

“No,” answered the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug.”

Did you pass?

Going Postal

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on May 9, 2008
in Disability Jokes
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A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “have you been in the service?” “Yes,” he says. “I was in Vietnam for three years,” The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes 100%…a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.” The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M.”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?” “This is a government job” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls…no point in you coming in for that”

South Texas Logic

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on May 8, 2008
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South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college and sign up for some classes.” Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. “Logic?” Jim says. “What’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weedeater?”
“Yeah.”
Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”
“Yes, I do have a wife.”
“And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.”
“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater.” Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.
“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”
Jim says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weedeater?”
“No.”
“Then you’re gay.”