GotKegs.com » Blonde Jokes

Crabs in New Orleans

admin — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 13:37:55 +0000

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn.

2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most men think.

The Blonde and the Lord

admin — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 15:01:04 +0000

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “IS THAT YOU LORD?”

The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.”

A Blonde, A Russian and an American

admin — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”

The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”

The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”

Knitting Blonde

admin — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

River Walk

admin — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”

Speeding Blonde

admin — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

Car Mechanic

admin — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What’s the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

Florida or the Moon?

admin — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????”

The Blonde & The Heart Attack

admin — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” she asks.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, “Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she’s got no clothes on!”

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

“What the hell is wrong with you,” she screams. “My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!”

Blonde on a Horse

admin — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway!

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its’ slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy o f the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over…… As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.