1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It’s Cool Whip time!
4. If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
5. That’s one terrific spread!
6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!
18. That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!
Archive for the 'General Jokes' Category
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United
States He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, ‘Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving
me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!’
The passerby says, ‘You are mistaken, I am Mexican.’
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ‘ Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America !’
The person says, ‘I not American, I Vietnamese.’
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, ‘Thank you for the wonderful America !’
That person puts up his hand and says, ‘I am from Middle East , I am
not American!’
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, ‘Are you an American?’
She says , ‘No, I am from Africa !’
Puzzled, he asks her, ‘Where are all the Americans?’
The African lady checks her watch and says…’Probably at work!’
IF YOU DON’T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, TOMORROW AT 11:30 AM
YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.
As a conference, we have a great many teams with varying personalities. Some have their strengths, some have their weaknesses, and all of them have a bit of neurosis.
That’s why the Big 12 Conference has asked all of its members to attend a group therapy session.
Okay, they really didn’t, but if they did, I think it would have gone something like this…
Counselor: Okay, everyone, sit down. We’re going to start our first therapy session. Who would like to share first?
Kansas State: Uh, I guess that I’ll go first. Well, our defense…
Counselor: Before you go on, make sure you tell everyone your name and why you’re here.
KS: Oh, I’m sorry. My name is Kansas State, and I don’t have a defense.
Everyone: (In unison…) Hi, Kansas State.
KS: (Scratches behind head…) Yeah, anyway, I don’t know exactly what happened, but my defense just packed up and left over a year ago. I can’t figure out what I did wrong; just, one day, without any warning, I showed up to the stadium and there it was, a ‘Dear John’ letter, saying that things weren’t working out and it was leaving.
Counselor: Kansas State, how did that make you feel?
KS: Well, it made me feel vulnerable. Timid. Scared, and not smart.
Counselor: Have you tried finding your defense?
KS: Of course. I called. I left messages. I even wrote it a song. I told it that I missed it and wanted it back. It told me, ‘No.’
Counselor: What did you do after your defense said that?
KS: I cried.
Counselor: Okay…OKAY! I think we’re making progress here. What have you done since to overcome your loss?
KS: I’m basically letting every offense score on me like I really need the money.
Counselor: Alright…that’s not healthy. We’ll address that later. Moving on. Let’s see here, anyone want to volunteer to go next? Anyone? Do I have to call on someone? Alright, then, Nebraska, what’s going on with you? Why are you here?
Nebraska: Nothing’s wrong. I’m only here because the conference told me that I had to come today.
Counselor: Are you sure nothing’s wrong? Nothing is bothering you right now? Also, tell everyone your name.
Nebraska: Ha! Give me a break. Everyone knows who I am. There isn’t a damn thing wrong with me. Sure, I’ve come on hard times in the last couple of years, but I’ll be back. The great ones always come back. I’ve just got to try harder. That’s all.
Counselor: (Turns head and whispers into a recorder) Classic case of denial with a hint of narcissism.
Nebraska: I’m sorry, did you say something?
Counselor: Nope. Who’s next?
Colorado: I’ll go.
Counselor: Good. Go ahead; tell us who you are.
Colorado: I’m Colorado, and I’m really confused right now.
Counselor: Why are you confused?
Colorado: I was told there would be beer and strippers at this party. But from what I can tell, there’s no beer, and this isn’t a party.
Counselor: Who told you there would be a party here today?
Colorado: The guy that recruited me to come here. He said there’d be beer, weed, and I’d for sure get laid. But, I gotta tell you, all I’m seeing are a bunch of lame teams, and Kansas State is really creepin’ me out. Dude keeps telling me he’ll let Cody Hawkins score on him all day, long time.
Counselor: K-State, stop letting everyone score on you! Have you no self-respect?
KS: (Sobbing…) I can’t st-st-st-oooooop…
Counselor: Alright, anyone else?
Iowa State: Hi, my name’s Iowa State, and I’m invisible.
Counselor: Who are you again?
IS: Iowa State. You know, the Cyclones?
Counselor: Are you on my sheet? When did you join the Big 12?
IS: I’ve been here since the league was founded.
Counselor: Really?
Texas: I’ve never heard of you. Hey, Okie, you heard of this guy?
Oklahoma: Nope.
Counselor: You can share if you want, but I’m not sure anyone paid for you to be here.
IS: You’re all a bunch of dicks.
Oklahoma State: (Flashing a mouth of gold teefus…) Yo, yo, yo! What up ya’ll! Oklahoma State in the hizzy.
Oklahoma: Seriously? What are you up to Vanilla Ice?
OS: Fo’ rizzle. I gots mo’ money than all ya’llz. I’m 6-0, I’ve got more coin than Kanye, and my coach gots more oil in his hair than T. Boone’s got in his wells boooyyyyeeee!
Counselor: God help me.
OS: Don’t be down, yo. I’m just keepin’ it realz. Okie State in the hizouse.
Oklahoma: You’re an idiot, and I’m going to kick your ***.
OS: Bring it biznatch. I’ll bring my crazy option offense, and we’ll see if you can do a better job stopping it than Missouri did.
Missouri: (Shrieks in pain…) Oh GOD why? WHYYYYYYY?
Counselor: Missouri, would you like to share?
Missouri: No, I don’t want to SHARE. You saw the game on Saturday. I don’t want to talk about it!
Counselor: Now, now. It’s okay. Teams lose big games all of the time.
Missouri: We don’t. When was the last time we were this good? When was the last time we were a legit contender for the national title? Huh? When? If you answered ‘never’ then you’d be right. No one knows how this feels.
Kansas State: If I may interject…
Missouri: Don’t give me that sob story about 1998.
Kansas State: I’m just sayin’. At least you lost to a really good team. Look at what’s become of the team we lost to.
(Texas A&M sits in the corner eating a bottle of Elmer’s glue…)
Kansas State: See?
Missouri: Yeah, we’ll you didn’t lose to Flava Flav over there. Mine’s worse.
(Oklahoma State admires it’s diamond encrusted chain…)
Kansas State: Oh, really. Let’s see shall we. Hey, A&M, what’s the capital of Texas?
Texas A&M: Unicorns.
Kansas State: And what’s your school’s mascot?
A&M: Burt Reynolds.
Counselor: A&M? Jesus, what happened to you?
A&M: We hired Mr. Fran, and he said that we were gonna be real good, and then he made us not real good, and then he beat our program with a brick until we was retarded. Then we hired Mr. Sherman, and he picked up the brick and started beating us until we gots more retarded.
Counselor: I don’t think I can help you.
A&M: That’s okay. You gonna eat them sparkles?
(A&M starts eating glitter…)
Counselor: Moving on. Baylor, would you like to share?
Baylor: Is it my turn to pray?
Counselor: Well, you can do what you like, but this isn’t a prayer circle. It’s our group therapy session.
Baylor: Oh, I know, but I figure you God-forsaken, public university heathens could use it.
Texas Tech: Someone’s bitter.
Baylor: I would be too if I lived in Lubbock.
Tech: Hey, wait a damn minute!
Baylor: Oops. Dear Lord, I apologize…
Tech: I’m gonna whoop your *** son!
Counselor: Hey, Tech, back off. He’s saying he’s sorry.
Tech: Does it look like I care? Out in West Texas, we shoot first and don’t even attempt to play defense later.
Counselor: Well, now you’ve gotten better with your defense in the last few weeks. Let’s explore that.
Tech: What is there to explore? Keep it simple stupid. Score more points than the other guy. We win.
Oklahoma: How many South titles have you won there big guy?
Tech: (Grumbles…) Shut up, butthead.
Counselor: Oklahoma, would you like to share?
Oklahoma: I got nothin’. The only thing that I’d change about myself is, well, nothin’.
Texas: Spoken like a true narcissist.
Oklahoma: I can’t believe you even know what that word means.
Texas: I know what a lot of words mean. You know, like, SCOREBOARD!
Oklahoma: You son of a…
(Texas drops its pants and moons Oklahoma…)
Counselor: Well, I think we’ve heard from everyone, but I think I’m missing someone. I only count eleven. Who’s missing?
(Kansas pops its head into the room…)
Kansas: Hey, has anyone seen my running game?
Counselor: Kansas! There you are. Why didn’t you show up for the session? The Big 12 said everyone needed to be here today.
Kansas: Yeah, I’m not big on ‘rules’. Rules are for people that are too stupid to find their way around them.
Baylor: You should be ashamed of yourself!
Kansas: Hey, you do things the right way, and you’re in the basement of the conference. I go on probation in multiple sports, commit academic fraud, and get the dreaded ‘Lack of Institutional Control’ tag, and I get an Orange Bowl win and a national title.
Oklahoma: See, he gets it!
Counselor: I don’t think we need to be promoting that kind of behavior Oklahoma…
Nebraska: Hey, can you tell me how to cheat and get away with it? I’m getting kind of desperate over here.
Missouri: Me too. Dude, you know that I, like, hate you, but could you tell me how to cheat too?
Oklahoma State: Yo, homes, me too. I’ll pay cash money.
Kansas: Anyway, I just stopped by to see if anyone saw my running game. If it’s not here, I gotta run. I’ve got tests to take for incoming recruits. If you guys want the scoop, ring me on my cell.
Oklahoma State: I’ll hit you back dog.
Counselor: Okay, I think this is a good place to end this week. I don’t want this going off on a bad tangent. Everyone, please don’t cheat, like Kansas. Please don’t let everyone score on you like Kansas State, and for God’s sake, don’t hire Mike Sherman. That’s borderline criminal over there.
(Texas A&M urinates in its pants…
Ahh, it’s finally here… football season. Here are a few jokes to kickoff the season!
————————————————————-
“What does a Oklahoma graduate and a tornado have in common?”
A. They both will end up in a trailer park.
————————————————————-
What do you call the sweat on two sooners having sex?
A. Relative Humidity.
————————————————————-
Why is it so difficult to solve a murder in Norman, OK?
A. All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.
————————————————————-
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, policeman, salesman, etc… David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
“My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little David aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”
“No,” said David, “He coaches at the University of Oklahoma , but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.”
————————————————————-
Did you hear about the Oklahoma linebacker who stole a police car?
He saw “911″ on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
————————————————————-
What do they call a crime ring in Norman?
A. A huddle
————————————————————-
There are 4 ou players in a car. Who is driving?
A. The police
————————————————————-
Did you hear about the new honor system at ou?
Yes, your Honor. No, your Honor.
————————————————————-
OU has hired a new defensive coordinator.
Johnny Cochran starts on Monday.
————————————————————-
Two Sooner football players were hootin’, hollerin’ and yee hawin’ when the bartender asked them why
they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished
a jigsaw puzzle and it only took two months.
“Two months!?” exclaimed the bartender. “To complete a simple puzzle?”
The Texan replied, “Yeah, but the box said 4-6 years.”
————————————————————-
A little boy and his mother were walking in a Norman cemetary when they came
upon a headstone that read “Here lies an Oklahoma graduate and an honest man.”
The little boy asked, “Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?”
————————————————————-
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a classy ou Fan and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
————————————————————-
A Sooner walks into a bar with a huge jar full of money sitting on the bar, he inguires to the bartender about the money. The bartender tells him he must complete 3 tasks to win the money.
1- knock the 7 ft 350 lb Shaquelle O’Neil look-alike out cold with 1 punch.
2-There is a pitbull out back on a log chain with a sore tooth, you must pull
that tooth.
3- There is a lesbian in the room upstairs who has never been sexually
satisfied by a man, you must satisfy her completely.
The Sooner says “no problem” walks to the end of the bar and knocks the 7 footer out cold with a single punch.
He then heads out the back door, where growling, barking, snarling, whining, then yelping is heard.
He stumbles back into the bar, clothes tattered and bleeding profusely and says, “OK now where’s that lesbian who needs her tooth pulled?
————————————————————-
OU head coach, Bob Stoops was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the coach if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy’. So Stoops asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.
One little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.’
‘No,’ said Stoops, ‘that would be an accident.’
A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.’
‘I’m afraid not,’ explained Stoops. ‘That’s what we would call great loss.’
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Stoops searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: ‘If the plane carrying you and the sooner football team was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.’
‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Stoops. ‘That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?’
‘Well,’ says the boy, ‘It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss… and it probably wouldn’t be a fucking accident either.’
————————————————————-
What do an OU fan and a medium pizza have in common?
A. Neither can feed a family of four.
————————————————————-
So a new mortician was preparing his first body for burial when he noticed a cork sticking out of the man’s pooper. Thinking that was odd, he removed the cork and immediately boomer sooner began playing from the man’s butt. He quickly stuck the cork back in and ran upstairs to get his boss. As they walked downstairs, the new mortician ranted about how he had just seen and heard the craziest thing ever and that his boss would be amazed. When they got to the body, the young mortician removed the cork and again, boomer sooner began to play. He put the cork back in and asked his boss, “Isn’t that the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen?” His boss said, “No, I hear thousands of buttholes sing that song every fall.”
————————————————————-
Four guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the rest room. The three others talked about their kids.
The first guy said, ‘My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a company at the bottom. He studied Business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He’s so rich; he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas.
The second guy said, ‘Damn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift.
The third man said: ‘Well, that is terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend: A 30,000 square foot mansion.
The three friends congratulate each other just as the fourth returned from the rest room and asked: ‘What are all the congratulations for?’
One of the three said: ‘We’re talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons … What about your son?’
The fourth man replied: ‘My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.
The three friends said: ‘That’s a shame .. what a disappointment.
The fourth man replied: ‘Nah, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther,I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’
Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars’
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’
To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.’
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’
Morris replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!’
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?” His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?” His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!”
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing at the right time - PRICELESS!
A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”
His buddy said, “I have an idea, why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. she’ll probably be thrilled.”
So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”
“Yes, I did,” said the fellow.
“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.
“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling ‘I’ll be back in an hour!”
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, “Well that’s great … just great … Some asshole’s got my pen.”
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied, “two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home is it?”
I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had 2 By-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, windy, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my Arizona driver’s license!
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.” “Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?” “You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man, “That’s why I want it lowered!”
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart!” the rabbi exclaimed, “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
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