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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther,I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars’One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, [...]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the [...]

A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea, why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can [...]

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, “Well that’s great … just great … Some asshole’s got my [...]

Essential vocabulary for the office and other areas. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some [...]

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!” She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the [...]

A little girl asked her mother, ‘How did the human race appear?’ The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.’ Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race [...]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss?” The [...]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “who was the pig that did this to you? [...]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?” He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?” [...]