Archive for the 'Political Jokes' Category

A Political Fable

Published
by
admin
on October 28, 2008
in Political Jokes
. 0 Comments

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a bass boat below. She shouted to him,  ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.’

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.’

She rolled her eyes and said, ‘You must be a Republican.’

‘I am,’ replied the bass fisherman. ‘How did you know?’

‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to  me.’

The man smiled and responded, ‘You must be a Democrat.’

‘I am,’ replied the balloonist. ‘How did you know?’

‘Well,’ said the bass fisherman, ‘You don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Published
by
admin
on October 14, 2008
in Political Jokes and Redneck Jokes
. 0 Comments

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife and charges at you.  You are carrying a 40 Cal Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat’s Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?  Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?  What does the law say about this situation?  Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?  Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

Republican’s Answer:
BANG!

Southerner’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hydra-shock hollow points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You’re not takin’ that to the Taxidermist!

Yes-We Have A Choice

Published
by
admin
on September 15, 2008
in Political Jokes
. 0 Comments

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)

Republican or Democrat?
There are less than three months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States .
The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. To show our solidarity as Americans, let’s all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It’s time that we come together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.

If you support Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Thank you for your participation.

Free Tickets

Published
by
admin
on August 27, 2008
in Political Jokes
. 0 Comments

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel)
Event at the Home Depot Center (Carson, CA) this weekend if anybody
wants them.

He’s going to try to jump 5000 Obama supporters with a bulldozer.
Should be a good time.
Let me know…

Two Different Versions! Two Different Morals!

Published
by
admin
on May 12, 2008
in Political Jokes
. 0 Comments

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (1 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.  The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

——————————————-

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands  to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.  How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green.’

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, ‘We shall overcome.’ Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.  The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008

How to Pass the Time When You Retire

Published
by
admin
on May 2, 2008
in Political Jokes
. 0 Comments

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break”? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a “Nazi.” He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a “doughnut eating Gestapo.”

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn’t care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said “Hillary in ‘08.”

Dear Abby

Published
by
admin
on April 28, 2008
in Political Jokes
. 0 Comments

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)

Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me.
In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But
in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the ‘B’ word. He
constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I’ve tried everything,
including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a
diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his
office. He hasn’t even looked for another job. We haven’t slept together
since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but
everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put
it on the market.

The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put
our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already
started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff.

Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed,
Worried in NY

Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.

In Heaven

Published
by
admin
on May 31, 2006
in Political Jokes
. 0 Comments

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

Continue reading ‘In Heaven’

A Brazilian

Published
by
admin
on May 31, 2006
in Political Jokes
. 0 Comments

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”

Continue reading ‘A Brazilian’

A World History Lesson

Published
by
admin
on May 25, 2006
in Political Jokes
. 0 Comments

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)

A History Lesson. An Evolutionary History of the world…?

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and then would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
Continue reading ‘A World History Lesson’