GotKegs.com » Redneck Jokes

How deep is that hole?

admin — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 20:12:17 +0000

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.”

The second hunter says” I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says “There’s this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and
we’ll throw it in and see”.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the
hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

“Say there”, says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere,
did you?”

The first hunter says,” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!”

The old farmer said “Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to an old transmission!”

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

admin — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 15:39:43 +0000

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife and charges at you. You are carrying a 40 Cal Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat’s Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? What does the law say about this situation? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

Republican’s Answer:
BANG!

Southerner’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hydra-shock hollow points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You’re not takin’ that to the Taxidermist!

South Texas Logic

admin — Thu, 08 May 2008 13:00:37 +0000

South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college and sign up for some classes.” Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. “Logic?” Jim says. “What’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weedeater?”
“Yeah.”
Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”
“Yes, I do have a wife.”
“And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.”
“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater.” Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.
“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”
Jim says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weedeater?”
“No.”
“Then you’re gay.”

Giddy Up

admin — Mon, 05 May 2008 15:44:30 +0000

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading universities, were attending their first graduate-level class on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters.” said the professor to the student from UCLA, “What is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness’” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked the young lady from Clemson. “Elation,” she said.

“And you, sir,” he said to the student from Oklahoma State University, “How about the opposite of woe?” The Oklahoma State University student replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”

The Perfect Margarita Machine

admin — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 05:19:18 +0000

This is the perfect gift for the alcoholic in your family. Is the blender just not keeping up with your margarita cravings? Try out this 350hp Margarita machine today!

Redneck Special Forces

admin — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man Elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

The season opened today.
There is no limit.
They taste just like chicken.
They don’t like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
Their favorite movie is “BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.”

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

Lord, they’re finally together

admin — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

A woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

Redneck Vacation

admin — Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earlene with me.”