Archive for the 'Sexist Jokes' Category
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ?If I died, would you get another dog??
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they would do with the money.
The first did a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon to get her hair done, new make up and bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she did this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she had spent all the money on him because she loved him so much.
Again, the man was impressed.
The third invested the money in the stock market. She earned several times the $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remainder in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed.
His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful Mommy.”
Continue reading ‘Morning Sex’
I’ll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:
I got a vasectomy.
I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
Continue reading ‘Escaped Convict’
Smart man + smart woman = romanceSmart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year … and $180,000.00 … they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
“Tomorrow,” his wife angrily told him, “there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!”
Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer, watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor woman from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me: ” You should be hung!”
I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses, stared directly into this nosey-ass neighbor’s eyes and calmly replied….
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