GotKegs.com

 Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went! ! :
Walmart Employee:   ‘Hello ‘dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?’  
Customer: ‘ I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.’
Walmart Employee:  ‘What you want on ‘dat cake?’  
Customer:  ‘Best Wishes Suzanne’ and underneath that ‘We will miss you’.

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”
The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said “Have you ever had a kiss?”
The man said “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said “Have you ever been fucked?”
The fellow said “No.”
She said “You will be when the tide comes in.

Four guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the rest room. The three others talked about their kids.

The first guy said, ‘My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a company at the bottom. He studied Business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He’s so rich; he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas.

The second guy said, ‘Damn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift.

The third man said: ‘Well, that is terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend: A 30,000 square foot mansion.

The three friends congratulate each other just as the fourth returned from the rest room and asked: ‘What are all the congratulations for?’

One of the three said: ‘We’re talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons … What about your son?’

The fourth man replied: ‘My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said: ‘That’s a shame .. what a disappointment.

The fourth man replied: ‘Nah, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther,I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’
Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars’
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’
To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.’
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’
Morris replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!’

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “IS THAT YOU LORD?”

The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.”

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?” His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?” His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!”

A self-induced hangover – $100.00

Broken furniture – $200.00

Breakfast – $10.00

Saying the right thing at the right time – PRICELESS!

A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”

His buddy said, “I have an idea, why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. she’ll probably be thrilled.”

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” said the fellow.

“Did she like it?” His buddy asked.

“Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling ‘I’ll be back in an hour!”

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.  They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.”

The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined; no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. “What happened?” they cried.  The husband said, “I guess she choked.”

Now before you just get all lazy do a little bit of thinking ….

OK Here we go….

10 Little Piggies

Two Calves

One Ass

An Unknown number of Hares

And of course one Kitty