GotKegs.com

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.  The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

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MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands  to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.  How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green.’

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, ‘We shall overcome.’ Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.  The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little test should get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub.”

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon.”

“No,” answered the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug.”

Did you pass?

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “have you been in the service?” “Yes,” he says. “I was in Vietnam for three years,” The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes 100%…a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.” The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M.”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?” “This is a government job” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls…no point in you coming in for that”

South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college and sign up for some classes.” Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. “Logic?” Jim says. “What’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weedeater?”
“Yeah.”
Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”
“Yes, I do have a wife.”
“And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.”
“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater.” Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.
“Logic?” Bob says, “What’s that?”
Jim says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weedeater?”
“No.”
“Then you’re gay.”

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, “Well that’s great … just great … Some asshole’s got my pen.”

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied, “two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home is it?”

I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had 2 By-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, windy, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my Arizona driver’s license!

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.” “Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?” “You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man, “That’s why I want it lowered!”

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart!” the rabbi exclaimed, “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

The “Brief Safe” is an innovative new diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you’re traveling.  Items can be hidden right under theirs noses with these specially designed briefs which contain a fly accessed 4″ x 10″ secret compartment with Velcro closure and “special markings” on the lower rear portion.  Leave the “Brief Safe” in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room.  Even the most hardened thief or most curious snoop will “skid” to a screeching halt as soon as they see them.  (Wouldn’t you?) Made in USA.  One Size. Color: white (and brown).

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading universities, were attending their first graduate-level class on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters.” said the professor to the student from UCLA, “What is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness’” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked the young lady from Clemson. “Elation,” she said.

“And you, sir,” he said to the student from Oklahoma State University, “How about the opposite of woe?” The Oklahoma State University student replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”

Does this one fall into the same category of which came first the chicken or the egg? Wait, no that’s not it.

Essential vocabulary for the office and other areas.

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard
4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404 : Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.